An open letter

To him,

I never know where to begin with you, I never know what one opening line can capture your interest enough to stay for the whole letter.

I know you won’t read it, I know you never will, but I will still pour my heart out because it needs a release.

I hope you are okay. I hope you are happy. I hope you are doing better now. I hope you have found something to make you smile. I hope you have found the peace that you never seemed to find. I hope you have received everything that I was not able to give you. I hope you are okay.

I am torn between being the person who loves you and being the person who wasn’t loved by you. Because to be the person that loves you, means to want the best for you, to have no complaints, no regrets of having loved you, to be able to let go. And ti be the person who wasn’t loved by you, means to be the person who holds anguish of a thousand oceans, the person who screams into her pillow every midnight, who has had her heart cut in half and a knife ever present in those halves.

I don’t know which person to be.

I don’t know if I want to forgive all you did simply because I love you or hold onto your use of me because you knew this simple fact. I don’t know what person to be.

Even I choose to be one, the other doesn’t let go. When I wish to let my love win, my anger, my selfishness takes over and I cry about how I too was a person, how you knew it.

When I choose my anger, my love overtakes me and it advocates for you. I am mad at you and yet I cannot let ho of the fact that despite all that has happened, I still love you.

I have had countless conversations with countless people. I can mever find the closure I need. Because deep down I still want to understand why. Why was it easy for you? why were I never enough? why was my love never enough?

I went lengths for you that my limits never allowed. I loved you beyond any word in humanity can ever define. I loved you with everything I had.

And It would be so easy, if you had just walked away when you knew that you didn’t love me. But you didn’t. Why?

Yours,

Always Wondering.