Butterflies and silly smiles

I sometimes wonder whether we ever feel that kind of excitement again after our first love. Not the big and dramatic live we see in films but the silly innocent feeling that could make an ordinary day feel extraordinary.

I remember how a simple notification could change my entire mood. Seeing their names in my phone was enough to make me smile like an idiot. I would read the same messages ten times, think about what to reply, type something and then delete it and then finallys end the most ordinary response possible. Meanwhile my heart would be behaving as though something extraordinary had happened.

There was something about those little moments. Waiting for them to come online, secretly hoping to run into them, remembering tiny details from conversations they had probably forgotten and replaying a two minutes interaction for the rest of the day. Even a simple hello could feel special. If our eyes happened to meet, I would suddenly become very interested in looking everywhere else.

And the BUTTERFLIES!!!! That strange gooey feeling in the stomach whenever they are nearby. It was the mixture of nervousness and happiness and embarassment and excitement that I couldn't explain to anyone without sounding ridiculous. Sometimes, just knowing that I might see them was enough to make me spend extra time choosing what I want to wear.

Then funniest part was how little it took me to be happy. A small compliment, an unexpected message or then remembering something I casually mentioned days ago. I didn't need expensive gift or grand gesture. I just wanted to feel noticed by them.

If course...first live wasn't perfect. There were misunderstandings and overthinking and unanswered messages and night second wondering whether I was imagining things. But those moments felt strangely memorable.

I don't know if I miss that person or the version of myself who gould get so excited over something small. Maybe it's both.

Growing older teaches us to be more careful with our feelings. We analyse things and question intentions and try not to get our hopes too quickly. Perhaps that is why I miss that younger versions of me.

The one who smiled at the phone for no reason and walked a little slower just to see someone more and beleived that a single message could make an entire day beautiful was gone I think after coming to reality.

I wonder how many of us still remember that first person who have us butterflies band I wonder if somewhere they remember us too