Everyone Has a Plan for Me Except Me

I don’t really know how to explain my life right now.

From the outside, I probably look like a normal girl who is studying, figuring out her future, and just moving through life. But honestly, I feel like I’m constantly trying to find a way out of a life I never really chose for myself.

There are so many things I’ve done because they were expected from me. I kept thinking, “Maybe I’ll get used to it. Maybe I’ll start liking it. Maybe everyone else is right and I’m just confused.”

But I wasn’t happy.

And the worst part is, I started feeling guilty for even admitting that.

I want to study something I actually care about. I want to work. I want to earn my own money. I want to be independent enough that I don’t have to ask someone every time I want to do something for myself.

I want to go out without feeling like I’m doing something wrong. I want to make my own decisions. I want to make mistakes and learn from them instead of being scared of making one because everyone will say, “We told you so.”

Sometimes I see other people my age doing things so confidently, and I wonder why I’m still struggling with the most basic things.

I’ve tried looking for work from home. I’ve applied for things. I’ve written, searched, tried again, got rejected, found unpaid opportunities, and sometimes wondered if any of it would actually lead somewhere.

There are days when I feel like I’m trying so hard and still getting nowhere.

But I keep trying anyway.

I think that’s the one thing about myself I don’t want to lose.

I may be confused. I may cry easily. I may overthink everything. I may not have a perfect plan for my future.

But I still have this little part of me that keeps saying, “Try one more time.”

Maybe I’m not behind.

Maybe I’m just taking longer to become the person I actually want to be.

And honestly, I’m still scared.

But I’m also tired of living only according to what everyone else thinks is right for me.

I want a life that feels like mine.

I don’t know exactly what that life looks like yet.

I’m just hoping I’m brave enough to keep searching for it.