frustration

There's a frustration that doesn't explode. It doesn't slam doors or shout. It just sits in my chest like a stone I swallowed years ago, and no matter how much I move around, it stays exactly where it is.

I've tried everything to get rid of it. I've told myself to calm down. I've slept on it, walked it off, scrolled past it, and even ignored it so hard I almost believed it was gone. Then a small thing happens, a delayed reply, a badly timed comment, a pen that stops working mid-sentence, and there it is again, right on schedule, as if it had only stepped out for a minute.

That's the part that wears me down. It's never really about the pen. The pen is just the last straw on a pile I can't even see anymore. Somewhere under all that is a long list of things that didn't go my way, effort that didn't get noticed, plans that quietly collapsed, and moments where I swallowed my words because it felt easier than explaining myself.

And I'm tired of being reasonable about it. Tired of the "it's okay" I say automatically, when it isn't. Tired of nodding and moving on while something inside me keeps a very detailed record. I'm not even sure who I'm angry at anymore. Sometimes it's the world. Sometimes it's other people. Most nights, if I'm honest, it's me, for not being further along, for not fixing things faster, for still being stuck in the same loop.

The strangest thing is that this frustration has a kind of energy. It hums under the skin like a wire. Sometimes it pushes me to work harder, and other times it just sits there, heavy and useless, draining the very thing it came from. I can't tell which version will show up on any given day.

I keep waiting for the moment it finally dissolves, some big breakthrough where everything clicks and the weight lifts. But maybe it doesn't work like that. Maybe it eases in small ways, one honest conversation, one finished task, one night of real sleep, until one day I notice it's quieter.

Not gone. Just quieter.

For now, I'll let it be here. I'll stop pretending I'm fine. And tomorrow, I'll try again, stone and all because at the end of the day it is what i do best.

So gonna keep it up .