Let me be your star

I still remember the day I got my heart broken for the first time; it was years ago, yet I still remember it like yesterday.

I fell in love with a girl, but the problem is I am a girl, and she is the daughter of a Christian missionary. I was very fresh in the relationship department, so I did not even realise for a long time that what I felt for her was affection. She used to be one of the big girls who got few followers, but don't get me wrong, she is not a mean girl.

My parents put me in a hostel despite my protest because of our family's financial conditions. I was so hesitant to join the already established group of friends, and I was so shy back then.

She used to be good at everything, good at sports, excelled in her studies, and she was the talk of all the boys back then, but she never entertained anyone for a whole year.

We became friends by the end of our 11th standard, and we promised to meet again when we said goodbye, a little tipsy from a flavoured beer some of the boys offered us.

But 12th standard is a busy time for all of us, especially since we're seen as the responsible ones because of our good marks and behaviour, so our teachers put a lot on our shoulders that year. Sometimes, when I lean on her closely enough, I can feel her getting a little thinner than last year.

And, of course, all the newcomers get infatuated with her again, and I get so used to this issue that I did not bat an eye at them. Still, she surprised me by actually entertaining one of the boys who persistently wooed her, and after a month and a half of flirting, they finally got together.

I didn't understand back then why I was so jealous of her; I even got myself a boyfriend because insecurity nagged at me whenever I was with them.

All things changed when we slept in the same bed one night. Apparently, her boyfriend wanted to kiss her, but she didn't know how to do it since she'd never been in a relationship before, so I, who was a complete kiss virgin, decided I could teach her, and we had a little make-out session that night.

We did that for a month straight until one night when I saw her breaking down in the bathroom. I knocked on the door several times, but all I got was a go-away. I waited an hour and a half for her to calm down, and when she came out, she told me with a face full of misery that we should stop doing whatever we're doing right now. I was a bit shocked since she always initiated everything, but all I could do was acknowledge what she said because her face showed determination to live a life without me if I ever said no to her.

It's been years, and I'm old enough to have a job; still, that little relationship holds me back from dating. Maybe it's because I can understand the weight on that little girl's shoulders now. I still think about that night whenever I really miss him. I could go back in time, a hugger really tight,t andtell, herit'sl gonna be okay. But the messed-up thing is, it's not okay at all. From what I've heard about her, she is almost married to a man in her life, while I am still stuck in the past, still wishing she could be mine. I wish her the best above all.

She can already ignore the devious eyes of society, but maybe I am destined to stay stuck here, with no way out.