Things I Never Say Out Loud

I am not very good at saying how I feel.

Not because I don't have feelings.

I have too many.

I just don't always know what to do with them once they become words.

Sometimes I want to tell someone that I miss them, but instead I ask, "What are you doing?"

Sometimes I want to say, "That hurt me," but I say, "It's fine."

Sometimes I want someone to stay a little longer, but I say, "You can go, it's okay."

And sometimes I am having a terrible day, but when someone asks me how I am, I automatically say, "I'm good."

It's almost funny how easily we can lie with two words.

"I'm fine."

I've wondered why I do this.

Maybe I don't want to seem needy.

Maybe I'm afraid that if I say what I actually feel, I'll make things awkward.

Maybe I've convinced myself that other people have enough problems of their own.

Or maybe I've simply become too comfortable keeping things inside.

The strange thing is that feelings don't disappear just because we don't express them.

They stay.

They sit quietly somewhere inside you.

A conversation you wish you'd had.

An apology you never gave.

A "I love you" you couldn't say.

A "please don't leave" disguised as "take care."

A "I'm proud of you" that somehow remained in your head instead of reaching the person who needed to hear it.

Sometimes I replay conversations in my mind and imagine saying everything I couldn't say in real life. I imagine being completely honest.

No editing.

No worrying about how I'll sound.

No calculating whether I'm saying too much.

In those imaginary conversations, I am surprisingly brave.

I say, "I missed you."

"I was hurt."

"I was scared."

"I needed you."

"I care about you more than I know how to explain."

Then reality returns.

And I say nothing.

I think we underestimate how much courage it takes to be emotionally honest.

It is easier to pretend you don't care than to admit that you care deeply.

It is easier to act independent than to say you need someone.

It is easier to disappear for a while than to say, "I'm overwhelmed."

It is easier to laugh than to admit something broke your heart.

Maybe feelings are meant to be expressed, even imperfectly.

Maybe we don't always need the perfect words.

And maybe some things should be said while there is still someone there to hear them.

I don't think I'll suddenly become someone who says everything.

But I'm trying.

Trying to say the thing instead of rehearsing it in my head.

Trying to tell people when they matter.

Because perhaps the saddest thing isn't having feelings that are difficult to express.

Perhaps it's reaching the end of a relationship, a friendship, or a chapter of your life and realizing:

There were so many things I wanted to say.

And I never did.

No filter. What has been frustrating you that you have not said out loud?