Denial

There is a particular kind of pain that does not begin qhenbyou lose someone . It begins when you slowly realize that you might lose them, but refuse to fully accept it. Instead of facing reality, you begin negotiating with it. You tell yourself that nothing is certain. Maybe they just need time. Maybe they are confused. Maybe that conversation did not mean what it sounded like. Maybe they will comeback. That single word -maybe-canbbwconw it allows you to keep a door open even when the other person may have already walked away.
Denial is not always dramatic. From the outside . Your life mY look completely normal. You continue going to college, talking to friends, laughing,eating and doing every you are supposed to do. But somewhere in the background, a part of you is waiting. Waiting for a notification.Waitimg for their name to appear on your screen. Waiting for something - anything - that will prove you were right not to let go. And when nothing happens, yourind becomes strangely creative. They looked at me differently. They liked my post. They were online at the same time as me. They didn't block me. Suddenly, tiny and meaningless details become evidence for an entire story your mind desperately wants to believe.
The strange thing about denial is that logic often remains intact. Deep down, you may understand the situation perfectly. You may know that they are not coming back or that things cannot work the way you want them to. You may even give your friends excellent advice about self-respect, boundaries, and moving on.Bit knowing something and accepting it are completely different things.A person can tell you directly that they do not want the same thing, and your heart may still search for another explanation. Maybe they are scared . Maybe they are going through something. Maybe they will change their mind.
Denial protects us from the full weight of loss. As long as there is a possibility. However small , we can keep alive the conversations we imagined having , the places. We imagined going together, and the version of the future where everything somehow worked out. Accepting reality means losing not only the person, but also the future we quietly built around them.
So we wait. Sometimes consciously , sometimes without even realizing it. Emotionally, we remain standing in front of a door, hoping it will open again. Perhaps that is what denial truly is - nor believing with complete certainty that someone will return but refusing to fully believe that they will not.
Eventually, reality dowsnsomething both cruel and necessary. It keeps happening . Days pass than weeks,then months. The message does not come. The situation does not change. Slowly, maybe begins to lose its power, and another question finally appears.
How long am I going to wait for something that may never choose me?.