I am fine

"Hello. How are you?" asked my family doctor.
"I am fine," I said without a second thought. As if I am programmed to say that.
"Then why are you here?" my doctor laughed while asking me.

Yes, this was a real conversation. I visited a doctor because I was unwell. But when asked how I am, I automatically said "I am fine". This incident made me think why do we say this? Who teaches us to say these things? Can we really speak our mind? Why are we told to mask our real feelings?

I clearly remember that I must have been 4 years old. I had high fever. I was sleeping on the bed. We had a few visitors that day. They asked me how I was. I said I am not well. But I was "corrected" by my family to say "I am fine". Since then it became a habit. If someone asks, I would always say "fine" despite of how I was in reality.

Why are we taught such things? Is expressing our feelings or thoughts a crime? I always think about this. Saying "fine" is artificial but an acceptable answer. It is nothing but a formality to respond to another artificial question of "how are you". Sometimes saying "I am fine" is just acts as a perfect way to end an unnecessary conversation. Because if someone really cared, then they would not stop at "I am fine". They would ask follow-up questions such as why do you not look fine? Why do you sound like something is wrong? But again that too rarely happens.

Ever since I have realised it, I try to answer the honestly. The answer may not be liked by most. When I say something other than "I am fine", I invite follow-up questions. I take charge of the conversion. I govern where the discussion goes. I decide whether it is worth investing my time into such conversation. I get into a better position to judge the person and their intentions.

But it does not end with me. I encourage everyone to implement this simple tactic. I tell my young nephews and nieces to say what they really have in their minds. I tell them to tell me beyond "I am fine". I ask them questions to understand what they are thinking. I ask them to freely tell me what they are feeling. I speak with them in front of their parents. Their parents get shocked when their children speak so freely with me; they are surprised to see how they express their thoughts and feelings without the fear of being judged.

Molding children's mind is easy. But trying this with adults is really difficult. Adults are a lot resistant. They chose to suffer than speaking about their feelings. I am not a psychologist. I don't know any methods to make adults talk. But when I am in a conversation I do not take "I am fine" for the answer. I ask them more questions.

I am not fine with bottling up the emotions. I do not do that any longer. I believe unless we change ourselves we will not be able to bring any change. If we do not want our next generations to go through the same traumatic emotional journey as ours, we should start working on ourselves. The time is "now". We need to be honest with ourselves. We need to be in touch with our feelings. We need to deal with our emotions before we change the world. If you are reading this, I want you to remember: Next time someone asks you "how are you", say something better than "I am fine".