Supporting a loved one through a breakup

Late last night, my brother messaged me saying he was depressed.

Without hesitation, I called him.

He cried. He is hurting because he and his partner have broken up. It's hard to hear a loved one in so much pain, especially when you know you cannot take their pain away. They must go through it.

All I wanted to do was to ease his pain. I didn't want to sound cheesy or trite. You know what I mean. Say things like:

• First love is always painful.
• You're too young to know real love.
• There's plenty more fish in the sea.

Especially as saying the above was likely to push him away, not pull him closer.

Instead, I practised what I preached by acknowledging where he is at and accepting that it sucks.

I then invited him to look ahead to where he wants to be; what he wants his life to look like. You see if you reverse engineer what you want, it allows you to transcend how you're currently thinking and feeling.

I encouraged him to:

• Each morning and evening to write down what he is grateful for. It could be as small as 'I am grateful for clean pants.'
• To listen to uplifting music and meditations, not sad songs (even though that's what you want).
• To write down everything you want in life .e.g. your dream relationship, your dream career, your dream day. Be specific and clear.

By the end of the call, he was still hurting, but a lot clearer and hopeful.

I love my brother and will always take his call, whether it be 3 am in the morning or midnight and just listen to what he needs.

Sometimes we cannot help the people we care about - children, siblings, tutees, friends - to get over the pain and suffering, but we can guide so that they are empowered to help themselves.

I thought I'd share in case anyone can relate. Although I am not his mum, he is 18, and there's a 12-year age gap, so I feel maternal for him.