We havent had a real conversation in months. Not the "how was your day" surface level stuff. I mean a real conversation where we actually see each other. Where we connect. I cant remember the last time he looked at me like he used to. Like i was someone worth knowing. Now i feel like furniture. Just another fixture in the house that he walks past without really noticing.
The worst part is i dont know when it happened. Theres no dramatic moment i can point to and say "that was when everything changed". It was gradual. Like erosion. Little by little we stopped trying. Stopped caring. Stopped being us. We became roommates who occasionally have obligatory sex and share bills. Is this what marriage becomes? Is this what forever looks like?
I catch myself watching other couples sometimes. The way they laugh together. Touch each other casually. Look at each other with actual interest. I feel envious and then i feel pathetic for being envious. We used to be like that. I remember being unable to keep our hands off each other. Now we sleep on opposite sides of the bed like theres an invisible wall between us.
I tried talking to him about it last month. Really tried. Sat him down and said we need to talk about us. He looked annoyed. Like i was interrupting something important. He said everything was fine. That i was overthinking. That all marriages go through phases. But this doesnt feel like a phase. This feels like an ending were both too scared to acknowledge.
Maybe im the problem. Maybe im expecting too much. All the marriage advice says you have to work at it, that the spark doesnt stay without effort. But im tired of being the only one working. Im tired of initiating everything. Conversations. Plans. Intimacy. Im tired of feeling like im begging my own husband to pay attention to me.
My mum says marriage is hard work and you dont just give up. She stayed with my dad through worse. But i look at them and theyre not happy. Theyve just resigned themselves to coexistence. Is that what im supposed to do? Just accept that this is it? That the excitement and passion and connection were just temporary and now we endure?
I dont want to get divorced. The thought terrifies me. Not just the practical stuff like splitting everything and telling people and being alone. But the failure of it. Admitting that we couldnt make it work. That the promises we made were just words we couldnt keep. That all those photos of our wedding day when we looked so happy and hopeful were leading to this. To nothing.
But staying feels like dying slowly. Like watching myself fade away in a relationship that stopped nourishing either of us years ago. I look at myself in the mirror and barely recognize who ive become. The woman who settled. Who stopped asking for more. Who convinced herself that this lukewarm existence is enough.
I deserve to be loved enthusiastically. Not reluctantly. Not as an obligation. I deserve someone who wants to talk to me. Who misses me when im not there. Who sees me as more than just the person who does laundry and makes dinner and exists in the background of their life.
But maybe he deserves better too. Someone who doesnt resent him for not being what she needs. Someone who hasnt already checked out emotionally while still physically present. Maybe were both just going through the motions because its easier than facing the truth.
The truth is im lonely. Desperately lonely. And somehow being lonely in a marriage feels worse than being lonely alone. At least alone i could hope for connection. Here im surrounded by the evidence that connection isnt enough. That love isnt enough. That sometimes two people can care about each other and still be completely wrong for each other.
I dont know what to do. Leave and risk regretting it? Stay and guarantee resentment? Try harder even though im exhausted from trying? Go to counseling even though he says we dont need it? I feel paralyzed by the weight of this decision. Either way feels like loss.
All i know is that i cant keep living like this. Something has to change. Whether thats him, me, or us. Something has to give because this half life were living isnt sustainable. Im not sure if im brave enough to blow it all up. But im not sure if im strong enough to keep pretending everythings fine.
Maybe tomorrow ill have clarity. Maybe tomorrow ill know what to do. But right now im just sad. Sad for what we were. Sad for what were not. Sad that love sometimes isnt enough.