Mum called again today asking me to translate another letter from the government. This time its something about tax stuff i dont even understand myself but somehow im supposed to figure it out because im "the educated one". Im 24. I have my own problems. My own bills. My own anxiety about whether ill make rent this month. But theres this unspoken rule that because i was born first, because i went to uni, because i can speak English better than them, im responsible for everything.
Dad needs help with his phone again. The same issue ive explained seventeen times. My brother needs money for something he wont specify but i know its probably something stupid. My sister wants me to talk to mum about letting her go to that party because mum will listen to me apparently. Everyone wants something and i dont know how to say no without feeling like the worst person alive.
I love my family. God i love them so much it hurts. But sometimes i fantasize about just disappearing for a week. Not telling anyone where i am. Just existing without being needed for once. Then i feel guilty for even thinking that because they sacrificed so much for us to be here. Mum worked three jobs when we first came to Australia. Dad learned English at 45. They gave up everything for us to have opportunities they never had.
So how can i complain? How can i say im tired when theyve been tired their whole lives? How can i say i need space when they needed to survive?
But im drowning. Theres no other word for it. Im working full time, studying part time, translating documents, attending family events, mediating family drama, sending money home to relatives overseas, and somewhere in all of that im supposed to have my own life. My own dreams. My own identity outside of being the person everyone needs.
My white friends dont get it. They talk about boundaries and self care like its simple. "Just say no" they say. They dont understand that saying no means being selfish. It means being ungrateful. It means forgetting where you came from. Or at least thats what it feels like in my head even if thats not true.
I had a breakdown in the Coles carpark last week. Just sat in my car and cried because i was supposed to pick up groceries for mum, drop off something for dad, and also somehow make it to my friends birthday dinner that i already cancelled twice. I ended up doing the first two and missing the dinner. Again. My friend was understanding. Too understanding. I could hear the disappointment she was trying to hide.
Im losing myself in all of this. I used to have hobbies. I used to paint. When did i last paint? I cant even remember. Everything is about surviving, about meeting everyone elses needs, about being strong because thats what eldest daughters do apparently. We hold everything together even when were falling apart.
Sometimes i look at my life and dont recognize it. This isnt what i imagined when i dreamed about my future as a kid. I thought id be free. Independent. But im more entangled than ever. The invisible strings of duty and guilt and love pull me in every direction and i dont know how to cut them without cutting myself off completely.
I dont have answers. I dont know how to fix this. All i know is that im tired. Bone deep tired. The kind of tired that sleep doesnt fix. And tomorrow ill wake up and do it all again because thats what we do. We carry the weight. We dont complain. We make our parents proud.
But sometimes i wish someone would ask me what i need. Not what i can do for them. Just what i need. And sometimes i wish i knew the answer to that question.