What we say

"Hello. How are you?" asked my family doctor.
"I am fine," I said without a second thought. As if I am programmed to say that.
"Then why are you here?" my doctor laughed while asking me.

Yes, this was a real conversation. I visited a doctor because I was unwell. But when asked how I am, I automatically said "I am fine". This incident made me think why do we say this? Who teaches us to say these things? Can we really speak our mind? Why are we told to mask our real feelings?

I clearly remember that I must have been 4 years old. I had high fever. I was sleeping on the bed. We had a few visitors that day. They asked me how I was. I said I am not well. But I was "corrected" by my family to say "I am fine". Since then it became a habit. If someone asks, I would always say "fine" despite of how I was in reality.

Why are we taught such things? Is expressing our feelings or thoughts a crime? I always think about this. Saying "fine" is artificial but an acceptable answer. It is nothing but a formality to respond to another artificial question of "how are you". Sometimes saying "I am fine" is just acts as a perfect way to end an unnecessary conversation. Because if someone really cared, then they would not stop at "I am fine". They would ask follow-up questions such as why do you not look fine? Why do you sound like something is wrong? But again that too rarely happens.

Ever since I have realised it, I try to answer the honestly. The answer may not be liked by most. When I say something other than "I am fine", I invite follow-up questions. I take charge of the conversion. I govern where the discussion goes. I decide whether it is worth investing my time into such conversation. I get into a better position to judge the person and their intentions.

But it does not end with me. I encourage everyone to implement this simple tactic. I tell my young nephews and nieces to say what they really have in their minds. I tell them to tell me beyond "I am fine". I ask them questions to understand what they are thinking. I ask them to freely tell me what they are feeling. I speak with them in front of their parents. Their parents get shocked when their children speak so freely with me; they are surprised to see how they express their thoughts and feelings without the fear of being judged.

Molding children's mind is easy. But trying this with adults is really difficult. Adults are a lot resistant. They chose to suffer than speaking about their feelings. I am not a psychologist. I don't know any methods to make adults talk. But when I am in a conversation I do not take "I am fine" for the answer. I ask them more questions.

I am not fine with bottling up the emotions. I do not do that any longer. I believe unless we change ourselves we will not be able to bring any change. If we do not want our next generations to go through the same traumatic emotional journey as ours, we should start working on ourselves. The time is "now". We need to be honest with ourselves. We need to be in touch with our feelings. We need to deal with our emotions before we change the world. If you are reading this, I want you to remember: Next time someone asks you "how are you", say something better than "I am fine".

Have you ever said "you are beautiful", "you are handsome", "you look nice" etc to someone? Have you been at the receiving end of such compliments? Have you been at both end of spectrum? If the answer to any of these questions was "yes", this is for you.

I came across a personality development course. That course also gave pointers about how to give and receive compliments. One part of that course stayed with me. It mentioned that if we call someone beautiful, handsome, or nice, we are acknowledging the genetics. These compliments have nothing to do with that person. It is saying in other words "congratulations for being born with a likable face".

Instead we should compliment their contribution towards their appearance. Such compliments may include "I like your style" or "You know very well what would enhance your features". This way we appreciate their efforts into looking good. Such compliments feel genuine. Such compliments make connections. Imagine a good looking person receiving compliments such as "hello good looking" vs "your style is amazing". What do you think will stay with them? The one that is unique will be remembered. This is how connections are made - With slight mindfulness.

This concept did stick with me. I made a mission since that day to compliment in the right way. This was a learning journey. It makes us think and observe. Saying "you look nice" is easiest but forgettable. To make an impression that stays longer, we need to make efforts. We need to think. It is not easy but it is worth trying. When we make keen observations and reflect them in our compliments, then those compliments definitely stand out. They become memorable.

I tried this way of complimenting on people around me - friends, colleagues, family members, or even acquaintances. I complimented someone on their makeup skills; someone on their choice of outfit; someone at their masterful hairstyle; or someone's entire concept of putting the outfit together. All these compliments were well received. The recipient already knew they looked amazing but highlighting their effort was something that won the hearts.

This trick worked with one important ingredient: honesty. The honest and genuine compliments will make the difference. A little effort takes a long way. When complimenting select at least one honest aspect and speak about it. When I compliment, I speak honestly. I appreciate their hardwork and effort into looking presentable. The recipient like their efforts being noticed. It gives a sense of satisfaction thay hardwork has gone into fruition. It makes them feel better than the same old generic compliments (generic compliments are not bad. But think about making them better and unique). Complimenting is a way to stand out. Never miss such easy opportunity.

If you are reading this, I want you to remember: Next time you want to compliment someone, don't stop at "you look amazing". Maybe don't even say that. Say something different. Speak about their effort at looking good. Let the effort take the centerstage than the genetics.

"Hey look at that girl. She looks beautiful"
"Imagine dude. How dumb she would be" both men laugh.
Does this sound familiar? Have you heard this conversation before? I am sure you must have. There is a narrative that if someone (specifically a girl) is beautiful she would lack intellect. Also, if a girl is intelligent, she must be ugly. A girl who is intelligent and beautiful is a rare find, or is it?

I don't know who came up with this concept. To make it worse, some genius came up with a phrase "beauty with brain". This phrase is thrown around like praise. As if human body runs on either of the capabilities - either one gets beauty or intelligence. Never both. And if one received both, then it is a diamond in the rough.

"It is a compliment, Amy. You just don't know how to accept it and you are just being ungrateful," someone once said this to me when I objected against using "beauty with brain". I questioned their logic and mindset, which automatically made me a villain.

Now, I don't have anything against using "beauty with brain" used only for women. I am completely against the phrase "beauty with brain". I am against the idea that intelligence is selective. I am against the concept that if someone is not considered "good looking" they are automatically called intelligent, kind, or sweet etc.

I am against the idea that one cannot possess many qualities. And saying this out loud becomes a compliment. I don't understand that why this has to be considered a compliment then it is so insulting. It is anybody that you cannot be good looking and possess intelligence at the same time.

So here is what I think. Next time when you call someone Beauty with brain take a minute to clear your head. Think for a minute if you would be happy to receive this compliment for your daughter. Would you like it if someone says, "oh she stood first in the class! Beauty with brain. Such a rare combination. You are lucky that you are a daughter has been blessed with both". Would you still find that appealing?

Now let us shift from daughter to son. Imagine hearing this for your son. "Wow you got 100 out of hundred in maths. What a handsome young boy who possesses intelligence. That is such a rare combination. You must be proud of your boy right? " now tell me does this sound right to you? Does this sound like a back handed complement?

I don't know about others but I do not find it appropriate. Commenting on someone's physical appearance and combining that with someone's intelligence is highly in appropriate. And hence when it comes to giving the compliments, I never use it. I would just compliment on their achievements. I compliment on there performance. I do not compliment on their physical appearance or attributes.

At the same time I genuinely feel that people do not use beauty with brain as a back handed complement. They really want to compliment and they think that it is a good complement without realising. However in today's world I believe that if we have realised if something is not appropriate we should call it out. We should make people understand that why it is not appropriate. This is how we can minimise the use of compliments that should not be considered compliments.

Alright, here is a burning question. Are you an introvert or an extrovert? Have you ever been asked this question? I have been asked this question several times and people try to label me into one of these categories. In fact I hate both these labels. But here what I think.

People want to identify as extroverts. This is for a very simple reason. It is a common misconception that being extrovert means being cool. Being extrovert means being too cool for the world. Extroverted attitude or behaviour would always be appreciated is what most people believe. A lot of wanna be extroverts want to convey others that they talk a lot, they interact with everyone, they are very expressive, they are passionate, they have strong opinions. And people think that these all traits are going to make them likable. But is that true? Is really everyone fond of people who speak a lot? Does speaking a lot mean speaking with value? Does interacting with everyone make you likeable? These all are questions for those people who consider themselves to be extroverts.

Now here is something that extroverts do not know. Speaking unnecessarily does not make them cool. Speaking constantly does not make them look intelligent or social. Speaking and being loud unnecessarily, asking everyone to listen to them, or force others to talk to them does not make them desirable. That only make them look annoying. Forcing others into conversation is not something that is required. They need to understand that speaking is someone's choice. Just because you consider yourself to be an extrovert does not mean you have the right to force someone into talking to you. Also you do not have the right to label someone as introvert or extrovert.

Now let's move on to the next concept of introverts. According to most people introverts are the people who do not talk a lot. The remain quiet. The most misunderstood concept is that introverts remain quiet because they are shy or they like self confidence. Also it is often say that introverts have lack of social skills because of which they do not express themselves. A lot of people (self identified extroverts) claim that introverts do not express themselves because they are afraid of judgements. There are a lot of misconceptions about introverts.

Now the question comes down to me. What do I identify with. I consider myself to be neither an introvert nor an extrovert. I do not need any label. This is what I believe in. I believe the silence is beautiful. Silence is meaningful. Silence is not a void that needs to be filled with noise or chat. Breaking the silence is not a brave act. I also believe that speaking a lot without value is completely unnecessary. One should speak only when it is useful and mindful.

Another very important aspect is that every person should get an environment to speak comfortably. If the environment is not comfortable to them they may not speak out. It does not make them shy or introvert. It makes them self aware.

So here is what I suggest. Be an introvert or an extrovert, that is your choice. Next time when you meet someone do not ask them this question that if they are an introvert or an extrovert. Rather strike a genuine conversation. Try to take interest in the other person rather than speaking all about yourself. Give someone else attention rather than hogging everything for yourself. You will definitely notice a difference in how people approach you and interact with you.

Most importantly: Read the room and proceed.