20 July '26
The moment my eyes open, I feel my chest tighten, my stomach churn. My heart is pounding in my ears. I toss around in bed unable to get up, scared to start my day. Something is going to go terribly wrong today, my mind tells me. Someone is going to come after me.
Still I get up. Dragging myself. I pop in a propranolol. I tell myself to breathe. I tell myself I'm in my room, I'm alone. no one is after me, I say. nobody has my address I tell myself. Nobody is coming to harm me.
I then imagine an audience cheering me on, watching me put on my armour and get ready for the day.
I imagine an applause as I step out in the world.
The audience follows me. Watching me interact, watching me study, watching me keeping myself sane.
"So hardworking."
"Doing so well."
I imagine the applause I long for.
Because with any mental health issue what you want more than anything is acknowledgment and validation. That someone sees you struggle, then they see you rise despite it. But not all of us have our cheerleaders. We have to imagine them.
A song I play every morning is from a series called Community.
"Somewhere, out there,
Beneath the pale moonlight.
Someone's thinking of me
And loving me tonight."
Have a good day/night
You're adored :)