The question no one asks

I have been thinking about a small question. The smallest one I know. What do you want?

Ask it to a woman who has spent her life caring for other people, and watch what happens. She pauses. She looks a little lost. Then she smiles and says, whatever you all want is fine.

She is not being shy. She is answering honestly. Somewhere along the way, she stopped knowing.

I want to be careful here. This is not about grand dreams. It starts much smaller. Which film to watch. What to cook on a Sunday. Where to sit. The little wants that fill an ordinary day.

For so many women, even these go quiet. Not all at once. Slowly, like a light being turned down.

The good girl who wants nothing

From the time she is small, a girl learns a quiet rule. Be good. Be patient. Think of others first. Don't want too much. Be a little less, so everyone else can be a little more.

At first she does it out of love. Then out of habit. Then because she has forgotten there was ever another way.

There is a name for what this does to a person. Researchers call it self-silencing — slowly hiding your own needs, feelings, and wishes to keep the peace and keep people close.

It sounds gentle. It is not. When a woman buries her own wants for years, the sadness does not vanish. It sinks down and settles, quietly, where no one can see it.

She learned that wanting things for herself was selfish. So she stopped wanting, and called it love.

And here is the part that stays with me. She does all of this behind a smile. In the photos she looks happy. At the table she looks content. The wanting did not leave loudly. It left without a sound.

And this is not a story from some older, darker time. It is happening tonight, in 2026, in homes with fast phones and bright screens. The people who believe it is over have simply never thought to ask the woman beside them.

You can watch it begin with something as small as a plate of food. I want to look there next.

References

• Silencing the Self: Women and Depression, Dana Crowley Jack, Harvard University Press, 1991.
• "How Indian Women Are Destroying the Idea of Sacrifice (and Finding Self-Worth)," Times Life, 2025.
• "We Hate Indian Mothers Until We Become Them," Feminism in India, 2025.