Decoding relationships in 30s

I had begun my 30s journey during the 2020 COVID-19 pandemic. I had spent almost 2 years at home and saw how relationships change right in front of my eyes.

While working vefore the pandemic, I would spend over 13 hours outside for work and close to 7 hours sleeping. Excluding the one hour of the routine I believe I would hardly spend one or two hours with my parents. Being home and spending 24 hours with parents changed my perspective a lot.

First change that I noticed in them was their health. Every wrinkle on their faces became more prominent to me. Every time I would hear their voice, the age related shrill became more profound. Their slow and careful moments because of the age also became more noticeable to me. While texting I noticed the tremors in their hands. It felt like my superheroes were becoming old right in front of my eyes.

Besides the physical attributes I also noticed some changes in their emotional state of mind. Once my parents were extremely sharp and had memory of almost everything. I saw a slow decline in the cognitive abilities. They would ask me the names of some of the relatives. They would forget something that they themselves have kept in its place. These small changes were nothing major as per the doctors. They always insisted that these changes are age related, progressive, and I should accept them.

Another attribute that observed with parents was that they found it hard to keep certain secrets from me. During the pandemic period I uncovered a lot of secrets that were buried underneath. While speaking they would blurt it out and then would feel embarrassed that the secret was out. When I would ask more about it they would try to cover it. When they were not able to cover it they would give me the excuses such as we thought you would not understand; we thought it would have been better for you to stay out of it; we thought you would tell this to other people; or some other unbelievable excuse for accidentally revealing the secret. This behavior would not only hurt me but also it would make me deeply disturbed. Sometimes I would feel as if I was not worthy of my parents' trust. I would feel as if my parents had not understood me or they had not understood my emotional intelligence.

While being at home I was able to listen to their conversations with other relatives. It was not something I did intentionally but the conversations would fall on my ears. What I would hear sometimes would make me surprised as well as sad. While speaking with my relatives I would often hear my name mainly because I was being blamed for something - something I did not even do. However in those conversation I never heard a praise for myself. It sometimes made me wonder if I was doing anything correct or if every path that I had been taken was the wrong one.

Overall the time that I spend completely at home made me able to decode the relationship with my parents. Despite me being completely faithful and honest with my parents, I felt that the same was not reciprocated. After spending over two years completely at home I finally came to the conclusion that I should continue what I had been doing for my parents without expecting any acknowledgement or praise from them. I should fullfiling my duties as a daughter without expecting anything in return. That is what I had concluded and I have been living as per that.