Let me begin with the confession: I am not good at Hindi. It is not my mother tongue. We do not speak Hindi at my home or workplace. I hardly have any friends with whom I converse in Hindi. I can read, write, and speak Hindi but it is very restricted. Today I realised how bad I am at Hindi.
Last night I had received an email from a platform. They had invited me to apply for a job at their company. I was ok with it because I had plenty of time to take the interview. It was supposed to be an AI interview so I did not even have to worry if I wanted to take it late at night.
Finally in the afternoon I decided to go ahead with the interview. I click on the 'Start interview' button. While doing so I did not know that I was entering the territory about which I hardly have any knowledge.
I …
I was born in the family where every family member had thin lips. In fact, my family had decided that thin lips is a beauty standard. Unfortunately for me, I did not fit into that beauty standard. I had big wide lips.
When I was a child, my cousins, aunts, uncles, grandparents would often ask me, "why are your lips swollen?" I would tell them that my lips are not swollen, this is how they are. Then I would hear reactions, such as how strange, they look too big, normally people do not have such big lips. Then the discussion would spiral over how nobody in the family had big lips. How I was the only one with big lips. Surprisingly, my parents would join them instead of protecting me. I would feel as if I was in room full of people criticizing me for something that was beyond my control. I w…
What happens when Dr Doofenshmirtz's quote "ah water, it's like drinking wet air" combines with his another quote "if I had a nickel for every time I was doomed by a puppet I would have to nickels. Which isn't a lot but it's weird that it happened twice"? I found the answer to it but it took a few years.
I was 4 years old. My dad decided to take us to a nearby restaurant. I was excited. I had worn my favorite dress. I had also worn my favourite earrings, bracelet, and shoes. It was a special day for me. With all dressed up, looking pretty we went to the restaurant. We sat down at a table. The restaurant was pretty much empty. It had been almost 5 minutes since we sat down. The host ordered the waiter to bring water to our table. I saw the waiter rushing towards our table. Even at the age …
When did I start feeling old? Was there a reason? When did it start?
I was 27 when I joined my last company. When I entered the office I saw that people turning their heads towards me. I was not feeling unusual because of it. Wherever I would go people would notice me. Same happened here. I did not feel old.
It was my 30th birthday. I proudly told everyone around me that I am turning 30, because I knew I looked much younger than my age. I had no grey hair. I had no wrinkles on my face. If I would have asked anybody to guess my age they would have said that I was 25. I did not feel old at that time.
I was 30 when my nephew was born. I announced in my office that I have become an aunt. I distributed sweets to everyone. My colleagues congratulation me and called me 'aunty'. A friend als…
The crow. A bird that has no filter or no concern for hygien. It can feast on literal garbage. Yet it has an immense importance in Hindu traditions. Last week I learnt how a crow can trick us and play with our emotions.
Currently we are in the period of Pitrupaksh where it is believed that our ancestors return to earth. They visit our homes in form of crows. We offer them food. They accept our offerings and depart to their realm. If only it was as easy as it sounds.
It was day on which we were required to perform the rituals for our ancestors. We made their favourite delicacies. Puri, sabji, rice, curry, daal, sweet, Kheer everything that is offered to gods as well as ancestors. We prepared the plate and be kept it at our balcony. We folded our hand and said our prayers. We invited our …
What are you still carrying that you are ready to…
What are you still carrying that you are ready to set down?
Im ready to rid myself of my past. I cant change what has happened but I also cant wallow in it. The past is the past and I cant keep carrying the hurt I have to let go. The past has built me into the person I am today strong and resilient. My past will not weigh me down anymore im going to forgive those who have hurt me. Im going to grow and focus on what lies ahead.
It began just as a regular day. I got out of the shower and started combing my hair. While combing my hair I felt something unusual. I moved closer to the mirror and started a particular section of my hair where I felt strange. This time I was combing slowly. While combing my hair I caught a glimpse of what had been making its appearance significant. It had been shining and reflecting light from it. It was a grey hair.
Seeing a grey hair made me stop for a second. It was my first grey hair. I am 37 years old and this was my first grey hair. My first thought was should I be worried? I thought about it for a minute. I had seen my friends and colleagues getting grey hair in their 20s. By the time they had turned 30 there entire crown had been covered with silver tendrils. At least I got it l…
A few years ago I used to work at a pharmaceutical company. I was working with a medicinal safety department. Because of my prior experience in that field, I was the most experience professional in the department. For my capabilities and experience I had been assigned with the most complicated section of handling products from the European market. Overall I was doing a good job.
As the time changed pharmaceutical company also decided to adopt with the qualities standards such as lean and 6 sigma. Though these changes were certainly late by 10 years, still I welcomed this move. HOD had told me that a new person would be appointed to monitor the progress of European section as per the quality mangement principles. From my previous company I did have experience of collaborating with quality …
I have always have been a high performer. I would always give my work in a better quantity and quality as compared with others. Throughout my professional career I had a reputation of someone who would always deliver the best quality. Whenever I used to receive any rejection it was always a hard of pill to swallow for me. While I try to make myself believe that rejections would come every now and then, I still find difficult to deal with them. The most recent example being yesterday.
While working on my academic research platform, I had received a study in my worklist. This was a targeted study meaning that it was intentionally sent to me. I read the study description. It was for testing a learning website for which I had provided feedback in the past. Since they had liked the feedback t…
Last morning, I opened Instagram. While scrolling through my feed, I saw the news, "Presley Gerber, model son of famous supermodel Cindy Crawford and brother of supermodel Kaia Gerber dies. The cause of death is not listed. The family has asked for privacy". As soon as I read the news, tears started to flow. I did not know why, but it felt like a personal loss.
I remember being a school girl watching the TV commercial of Cindy Crawford. I remember being mesmerized by her screen presence. While mist models would look as if they belong to a different glamorous world, I felt Cindy looked like a girl bext door. She looked like an ordinary woman but better.
Then I remember watching the summer spring collection of a reputed label. I saw a male model walking on the ramp. Looking at his face, I…
It was a regular Wednesday for me. I was working as per my usual schedule. The househelp Kanta came at her regular time that was 10:30 in the morning. I continued my work while Kanta finished her daily chores. After finishing her work Kanta came to my room to speak with me.
"Didi I need two days off," she said while fidgeting with the pallu of her saree.
I looked in her direction and I had not yet decided what to say. I never ask her the reason for taking the days off or I never even tell her that she should come early and finish the work instead of taking the day off. Being a working women I know that how painful it is to ask for leave from the boss. I try to avoid that agony for my househelp.
While Kanta knew that I was not asking her for the reason she herself decided to tell me the r…
This morning I received a research study. This was the study that I had completed in the past and I had been receiving similar type of studies from the researcher. I was able to successfully complete the studies in the past but today was going to be the test of my patience.
I accepted the study from my worklist. I was delighted to see the study and the corresponding compensation for it. It was a short study but it was going to pay me good amount. I definitely love such studies. I accepted the study and started working on that study.
The first minute of the study was excellent. Within a minute I was able to complete 40% of the study. I was really happy to see that progress. I knew that within the next minute I would be able to finish the study and I would get the compensation directly c…
I think I finally understand what letting go actually means.
It isn't when you stop loving someone.
It's when you stop waiting for them.
I spent so long thinking maybe one day I'd go back, maybe we'd find our way to each other again, maybe there was still something left to save...
But today, something feels different.I don't want to go back anymore...
And strangely, that doesn't hurt the way I thought it would...
I can still remember everything.
I can still care.
I can still wish them well...But I don't want them back in my life.
Maybe this is what letting go really is..loving someone, forgiving what happened, and accepting that you can miss what you had without wanting it back. .I don't know when I stopped hoping for another chance.
I just know that I did...
And maybe that's the part I ne…
This morning I was sipping my coffee while going through a news app. It is a part of ritual to see what the world is upto while having coffee. I saw a news article "Legendary country singer and actress Dolly Parton dies at the age of 80". My heart sank. I had tears in my eyes. I felt as if I lost one of my own. I felt like I lost my own family member.
Then I thought to myself, "why am I feeling this way? Why am I feeling sad because of the death of a famous person? She was not related to me. I have never met her. I have never been to her shows. I did not even consider myself as her fan. Then why is her death affecting me so much?" The more I thought about her, sadder I become.
Then I realised maybe it was not about Dolly. Maybe it was about seeing the reality of life - death. Maybe I con…
Some truths are buried so deep within a person that they may never see the light of day.
The surroundings have changed—not just the people, but the place, routines, work, and even the goals. And the person I was once so close to isn’t around me anymore.
“I need you, yet I still choose silence over talking to you.”
I was 21 years old that time. I was at my cousin's wedding. In the weddings or for any family functions for that matter the responsibility of serving the elderly always was on my shoulders. My parents had told me that I should ensure that all the elderly relatives are served food wherever they are sitting. I had been doing that as per my parents' instructions. I asked my grandmother if I should bring her plate of meal. When she agreed I had gone to bring her meal from the buffet. When I returned I saw that one of my elderly aunts, aunt Veena was sitting next to my grandmother.
Aunt Veena, the one who used to taunt my dad for not having sons was looking at me. I looked at her and saw that she was carrying crutches. Her leg was in plaster. It was apparent that she was in a lot of pain. Tho…
I had worked in corporate for 17 years. I met many people, some became good friends while most showed how fake friendship looks like. I met a woman Naina (pseudonym) who also was my college junior becoming my colleague. I saw Naina's life turning upside down in front of my own eyes. It is worth telling her story.
When Naina joined our office, she already knew me because I was her college senior. Initially she found it comfortable to be with me and my group. A few days later, she had made friends and joined another group. I was glad that she had found her own kind of people.
In Naina's group, there was a couple Rina and Vishal who had been seeing each other and had been recently engaged. Rina and Vishal had been set to get married in a few months. Naina and Rina, despite of their opposite…
What are you afraid will happen if you let this go?
Well, looking back at it I think it's..all about learning. I'm not an Aethist nor a believer. But.. sometimes i think it's better to let life go on on its own. People often say "Why is it me all the time?" or.."Why am I only the one who suffers so much?" maybe.. because we don't learn from our mistakes. Things keep happening to us until we learn from it..
I know it's easy to just say "Let it happen" but it's very hard to go through it. I've been there..done that. Sometimes letting things go and learning from our past is all we can do. We can sulk at a corner but eventually we'll have to learn or we'll never be able to move forward. That's the rule of life to keep moving forward no matter how hard it gets. If you stop swimming, you drown…
I know I moved on when I realised my heart doesn't skip the beat anymore as it used to when I hear your name.
I know I moved on when I realised your initial is not my password anymore.
I know I moved on when I realised you are not my life anymore infact you are just a part of it.
I know I moved on when I realised you are not my first thought in the morning and last in the night anymore.
It was a Friday evening. I had just returned from the office. My body was tired from this week's work - so were my mind and brain. It felt amazing that I had 2 day ahead of me to relax and refresh. I was making plans towards how I was going to consume the next 48 hours, that is when my phone buzzed. I checked my phone to see the sea of text messages.
I had 200+ text messages from a friend group and another text from my friend Shweta. I decided to first read Shweta's text "hey. Where are you? Why are you not responding to the texts on the group?"
After reading Shweta's text I looked at the friend group, now the text count had crossed 300. I felt irritated. I had no patience to read through 300 texts, but I had to respod to Shweta to not appear rude.
"Hey. Was busy. What's the deal with so…
A Strange Thought
I've been thinking about something lately that I can't really decide whether I find exciting or unsettling: what happens when intelligence stops being something that belongs only to humans?
For most of history, intelligence felt like one of the things that separated us from everything else. We built cities, wrote books, invented machines, studied the universe, and asked questions that didn't have obvious answers. We were the ones doing the thinking. Animals could learn and adapt, but humans were the ones creating mathematics, philosophy, literature, and technology.
Now that assumption feels a little less solid.
It's strange to ask a machine a question and receive an answer that sometimes feels more organized than something a person might give. It can explain complicated i…
When the Routine Becomes MeThe Days That Look the Same
There was a time when I thought routines were boring. Waking up at the same hour, following the same schedule, walking the same roads, and ending the day almost exactly the way it began felt repetitive. I believed life was supposed to be made of exciting moments, unexpected adventures, and memories worth telling people about. Everything else seemed like empty space between those moments.
But somewhere along the way, I stopped thinking of routine as the opposite of living.
Instead, I started wondering if routine was life itself.
Living on Autopilot
It's easy to go through an entire week without really noticing it. Monday becomes Tuesday, Tuesday becomes Wednesday, and before you know it, another month has quietly disappeared. We remembe…
I don't know why but specifically today I rememberd something from the past. When I remembered it, it still brought tears to my eyes. What was said to me was really hurtful.
I was 26 years old back then. I had completed my studies and was doing great at my job. At this age my parents did exactly what other Indian parents do. They had enrolled my name into a matrimony site. From this matrimony site we had received a proposal from a man. This man did not fit into our basic expectations so we decided not to go ahead with their proposal. For me and my parents it was the end of the story. However my grandmother had different ideas.
Me and two of my cousins who are of same age were going through the same phase of our lives - the matrimony troubles. One day our families had met for some occ…
Neel (nickname of course) is my elder cousin. Neeldada got married when I was in college. Soon after the marriage, upon SIL's suggestion he moved from Mumbai to a tier -2 city for "apparent" better career opportunities. Ever seems that time they had been staying there. He would rarely visit Mumbai. He would not attend any ceremony's of our relatives. He would not even call anybody. My dad always called him and he would cut short the conversation. We can say that he was a disconnected from us.
This incident occurred a couple of years ago at the time of Diwali. We have a family tradition. All cousins gather at one cousins home for Diwali celebration. Generally everyone comes to our home for Diwali celebration. Per usual my dad was making calls to all a relatives to formally invite them for…
Each night, as I lay on my bed gazing up at the dark ceiling, only one question lingers in my mind, why am I not able to be enough like other's my age? What am I doing wrong?
Is being born in this "skill-required" generation a blessing or is it just another burden that an average student has to lift their whole life?
As I lay on my bed, whether I should focus on my academic or the hobbies I once allegedly dreamed of?
Each night as I lay on the bed, the room stays silent but the mind doesn't.
A Question That Stayed With Me
I finished Oyasumi Punpun a while ago, but one question has stayed with me ever since: Can people ever truly understand each other? At first, I thought it was just another coming-of-age story. Instead, it became something much more personal. It wasn't the plot that stayed with me the most, but the way the characters constantly struggled to express what they were feeling. They loved, they feared, they regretted, yet so much remained unsaid. It made me wonder if that's only true in fiction, or if it's simply what being human is like.
The Invisible World We Carry
Every person carries an invisible world within them. It's filled with memories, dreams, fears, disappointments, and thoughts that no one else has ever seen. We spend our entire lives trying to transla…
I think morning and I Are Still Learning About Each Other
A Difficult Beginning
If someone had asked me a year ago whether I liked mornings, I probably would've laughed. Waking up early felt like a punishment more than a choice. The warmth of my bed always won the argument, and the world outside seemed far too quiet to be worth leaving it. Morning wasn't something I appreciated—it was simply the part of the day I had to get through.
But lately, something has changed.
I still wouldn't call myself a morning person. Some days I still struggle to get out of bed, and there are mornings when I wish I could sleep for another hour. Yet little by little, I've started noticing things I never paid attention to before. It's almost as if morning and I are slowly getting to know each other
The first thing I noticed was the silence.
Not the uncomfortable kind,…
Sometimes, without any particular reason, I find myself opening old chats. I scroll through conversation from month or even years ago. Some messages makes me smile, while other makes me pause for a moment. Every time I do this, I ask myself why I keep going back towards that belong to the past.
I think I read all chat because those once meant something to me. At one point in my life, the person on the other side of the screen was an important part of my day.
We share random jokes, serious conversation, late night, talks, and a little update about our lives. Reading those messages take me back to time that no longer exist. Sometime I feel that a small part of me is still holding on to that friendship or relationship, not because I expect things to be the same again, but because those mov…
This morning was a very productive. I woke up to the good news that I had received a research study in my inbox. I was delighted because this study was going to pay me well for my time. Without thinking for a moment I started that study while I was still sipping up my coffee. I had finished the study before I had finished my coffee. After sometime I had received another study which again was paying me well. I finished that study as well. Till 10 o'clock in the morning I had already had completed some work which was going to pay me well. I was indeed happy because of the work I had got done today and the subsequent payment that I was going to receive from it. I thought to myself that it is going to be a product of and profitable day.
Later around 12:00 p.m. I had received a freelance task…
Will i keep living like this forever
Smiling like nothing touches me
Putting on a face that says I’m fine,
While something inside me quietly falls apart
Will i always be this way?
I dont know how to put it into words,
Or how to let anyone see it.
Maybe i’ve gotten too good at hiding the cracks
May be im afraid that if people looked closer,
I’d notice how tired im really am.
So i keep pretending.
I stay strong
I laugh when im supposed to.
But inside everything feels heavier than it should be
Like waves pulling me under while i stand there acting like i can breathe just fine.
And no one hears a thing :)
